Disappointment

I think I am destined to be alone. forever. I try to be good. i really try, but i don't think it's enough. I still get punished. What did i do to deserve being alone during the holidays, bday, being sick, and a death in my family all rolled into one week...what?! While my bf preferred to go out of his way to help his brother with mundane tasks when he should have been at home making sure i wasn't going to go crazy with grief and sadness and also to spend that one last day with me before i'm gone for the next three and two after...does he even stop to think about how i'm feeling at the time? no...he doesn't care...he set up an appt. with his brother, which, honestly can be broken since it's not at the top of a list compared to a DEATH. I have never been soo pissed, so outraged in my entire life...I made the decision right then and there that i'm done...i give up. If he wants the relationship he will have to do something about it cuz that is it. i'm done. i'm tired of being the one always having to be verbal to get my point across. To make the relationship stable and work. That isn't a relationship. It can't be unless both parties are working on it...are committed to each other. Those are my beliefs anyways and tell me if that isn't right. Cuz i know i'm right. i usually am. So to vent out my frustration, I go and watch New Moon by myself at the theatre...how sad...but it gave me time to think and to stare at Jacobs abs...hot...hmm where was i...oh yea...to think about the relationship and if it's worth it at all...i'm tired of being treated as such...im ready to move on...i'm not going to stick by someone who only takes me for granted...screw that shit...i'm over it...he didn't even call and he was fucking late...this is the second strike by the way...last year was bad but compared to this year and what he did, makes it seem so trivial...

i spent thanksgiving and my bday on a plane from atlanta to narita to taipei...the only ppl that wished me happy birthday was my mom and aunt...they were on the flight and the customs and immigration officer i had to hand my passport and form to to get into Taiwan...he said, today is your bday? i said, yes, and he says, did anyone wish you a happy birthday? i said, my mom, and he said, well happy birthday. lol,. how sad.

of course i know my friends all care and love me...i got their msgs on fb and on my phone later when i was able to access both...but u see how miserable and sad it is to travel during the holidays plus your bday plus when it's on the way to a funeral? I should have had a drink onboard but i didn't...should have should have...dammit!

i'm tired of being disappointed. i'm done.

Pep Talk: Change

I am so sick of the excuses I keep giving myself...and ashamed too...when did I get to be so damn lazy about everything? Have I given up on myself already? So soon? Somewhere there is still some fight in me, I'm sure of it. Where is it? Today I made an effort...I went and worked out at the hotel...proud pat on the back...then my headache started again... :( I dunno what is wrong with me...

I think I have reached a comfort zone and need a change. I need to motivate myself. I need to find myself. But how...it's like asking a smoker to stop smoking, or an alcoholic to stop drinking...only they can change themselves...only they can stop the addiction...so it's up to me to try and change myself...my lifestyle...if I keep going on like this I will end up even more unhappy. I need to be more active...say it and do it...not just say it and then somehow back out of it...I'm being my own pet peeve and I hate it....no more...if I say I am going to do it...I am going to do it...and it started with me saying I was going to go work out...and I did....so it proves that I can believe in myself. That I can move forward and fulfill what I need to do...Penny...you can do this! Aza Aza Fighting!

The Good Samaritan

My good friend Lili and I were driving down to the 400 outlets because she wanted to look for some socks at the Gap Outlet. Do not ask me why she would be willing to drive all the way out there just for some socks...I have no idea but she says that those are the only socks she will wear. Also, since it is very rare that she will volunteer to drive I was willing to go on the expedition just because. While en route to the outlet it started to rain and gradually alternate between drizzling and pouring. As we were maybe 15 mins away from our destination we heard what sounded like rocks hitting the underside of the car. Thinking nothing really of it we continued driving down for another minute or two. A car next to us starts to honk and points at the back tire. Oh no...only then did we realize that she had a flat tire. Freakin out a bit, Lili drove to the left shoulder, which was a bit dangerous since the shoulder was not as big as the right shoulder. After making sure there were no cars coming headstrong, we manage to steer the car over to the right shoulder. We start to call ppl that we know around the area that could come over and help. She also called to see if her insurance might have roadside assistance but nope.
It was also starting to rain really hard. I called Justin and he was trying to teach me how to change the flat myself. I told him there was no way I was going out into the pouring rain to change a tire! As I finished the conversation, we noticed a truck had pulled up behind us and that right behind him, a cop had pulled over as well. We were a bit relieved to see them, we figure the truck had gotten pulled over by the cop and that maybe the cop could help us. The owner of the truck then came over to us and asked if we needed any assistance...utterly grateful and a bit shocked that help had come so quickly and in such a friendly way, we told him what had happened and that we did not know how to change it. He was very nice and said that everyone has been here before and that he would help us change the tire. The cop came over to see what had happened and when he found the reason he went and got his yellow parka and stood between the road and car to make sure that ppl did not swerve in the rain and hit us while we were changing the tire. The nice man gave us instructions on how to change a tire while he was changing Lili's. It was a good lesson to learn in the event if we were stranded and not so fortunate to meet someone to assist us.
I was just so surprised that in this time and day that someone would be so kindhearted to stop what he was doing and see if he could lend a helping hand. Honestely, you do not see that these days and I was just soo touched by it. Lili asked me if I had any money maybe to give the guy and I told her I don't think he wants money, plus it would look bad if we tried to do that. Seeing that his hands were covered in grease and muddied, I remembered that I had some wet wipes in my handbag and went and retrieved those for him. We thanked him and the cop profusely for there kindness and patience. Also, while in the middle of the tire changing, the rain suddenly stopped and it was clear skies...really amazing...for me I felt like maybe an angel had come to our rescue in the form of this nice Samaritan.
An act of kindness is always repaid with kindness.