Disappointment

I think I am destined to be alone. forever. I try to be good. i really try, but i don't think it's enough. I still get punished. What did i do to deserve being alone during the holidays, bday, being sick, and a death in my family all rolled into one week...what?! While my bf preferred to go out of his way to help his brother with mundane tasks when he should have been at home making sure i wasn't going to go crazy with grief and sadness and also to spend that one last day with me before i'm gone for the next three and two after...does he even stop to think about how i'm feeling at the time? no...he doesn't care...he set up an appt. with his brother, which, honestly can be broken since it's not at the top of a list compared to a DEATH. I have never been soo pissed, so outraged in my entire life...I made the decision right then and there that i'm done...i give up. If he wants the relationship he will have to do something about it cuz that is it. i'm done. i'm tired of being the one always having to be verbal to get my point across. To make the relationship stable and work. That isn't a relationship. It can't be unless both parties are working on it...are committed to each other. Those are my beliefs anyways and tell me if that isn't right. Cuz i know i'm right. i usually am. So to vent out my frustration, I go and watch New Moon by myself at the theatre...how sad...but it gave me time to think and to stare at Jacobs abs...hot...hmm where was i...oh yea...to think about the relationship and if it's worth it at all...i'm tired of being treated as such...im ready to move on...i'm not going to stick by someone who only takes me for granted...screw that shit...i'm over it...he didn't even call and he was fucking late...this is the second strike by the way...last year was bad but compared to this year and what he did, makes it seem so trivial...

i spent thanksgiving and my bday on a plane from atlanta to narita to taipei...the only ppl that wished me happy birthday was my mom and aunt...they were on the flight and the customs and immigration officer i had to hand my passport and form to to get into Taiwan...he said, today is your bday? i said, yes, and he says, did anyone wish you a happy birthday? i said, my mom, and he said, well happy birthday. lol,. how sad.

of course i know my friends all care and love me...i got their msgs on fb and on my phone later when i was able to access both...but u see how miserable and sad it is to travel during the holidays plus your bday plus when it's on the way to a funeral? I should have had a drink onboard but i didn't...should have should have...dammit!

i'm tired of being disappointed. i'm done.